Accepting His Home Page 5

  I let myself drift in and out of conversations with everyone, but I try not to be as attentive as I normally would be toward Zeke. I have to start putting some distance between us if I’m ever going to move on. I can be his friend. That also means I’ve got to treat him the same way I do anyone else and not treat him like he’s special.

  When Zeke hands me the joint that’s finally made its way around, our fingers brush against each other. A zing races up my arm. I have to bite back a groan and try not to pull back from him.

  His eyes snap to mine and they widen slightly. It almost makes me believe that he feels it too. Not that it matters, he’s made it clear I’m not what he wants or needs.

  When I turn away from him and take my hit, I catch Walsh looking at Zeke with his head cocked to the side. I give him a wide grin and he narrows his eyes. Fucking hell, another person to ask me if I’m okay. I hand him the joint and smile.

  I nod toward it, “Tastes good, huh?” Walsh nods and I rush to fill the space between us, so he doesn’t delve deeply into my personal shit. “It’s kind of perfect that Amelia’s one of us now, huh?”

  He chuckles and glances over at Amelia and Beckett, who are having a conversation too low for me to hear, but their eyes are full of affection. It’s sweet. Walsh passes the joint onto Troy and turns back to me, “Yeah, I think she’s just what we need around here.”

  I give him a cheeky smile and point between Walsh and Troy, “Sad you two weren’t what she was looking for?”

  Walsh laughs and Troy leans in, “I mean a little. Amelia’s a sexy woman, I certainly wouldn’t have minded if she wound up between us.” Walsh glances over at them again like he’s scared they can hear us, but then he shakes his head. Troy shrugs and nods toward them, “It’s a shame, but seeing Beckett like that makes up for it.” Walsh gives him a look that says Troy’s full of shit and Troy laughs. “Okay, well, it almost makes up for it.”

  Walsh chuckles and shakes his head. “It’s better this way. She’s perfect for him.”

  I grin at them and bat my eye lashes, “I wonder who’s next. I hear monogamy is contagious.”

  Troy scrunches up his face and Walsh glances at Zeke quickly. I stiffen. Fuck I shouldn’t have said that. I’m sure as hell not next, at least not with Zeke.

  Amelia stands up with the last of the joint in her hand; the move catches our attention. She catches Walsh’s eye and points to the other cone he rolled earlier. “Beckett sparks the next one.”

  Beckett looks up at her like she hung the moon and this time the jealousy is just a small thud. Getting better, that’s good. She makes a hand movement telling Walsh she’s watching him; he laughs and passes the cone and a lighter across the coffee table to Beckett.

  I settle back into the love seat and it’s hard to concentrate for a moment as the heat coming off Zeke permeates my body. What I wouldn’t give to be able to just sink into it and let it comfort me. Zeke’s watching Amelia interact with Beckett before she turns and walks toward the back of the house. A small smile tugs at his lips. Maybe Amelia can be the friend Zeke needs and that’ll give me a chance to protect my heart.

  Troy shoots Beckett a questioning look. Beckett explains, “She’s taking the last few hits out to Dex since he’s making food.”

  Troy chuckles, “Of course she is.” He says on a sigh, “We needed someone to take care of us.”

  Beckett’s smile is so wide and full of adoration that it takes my breath away for a moment; I can’t help but smile at how beautiful it is. He muses, “Yeah, she’s perfect.”

  Zeke’s looking at me; his lips quirk up at the sides and I hold in my sigh. I push down my feelings and just let myself enjoy spending time with my family. They’re all I have right now, and I don’t want to lose it. Maybe it’s time to put myself out there again in the dating world. Maybe just some good girlfriends would be better and let the rest happen as it is supposed to. Just not with Zeke since we’re not as meant to be as I thought when we met.

  CHAPTER 6

  ZEKE

  It’s been two weeks since Dex’s BBQ and things have been great in many ways and absolutely fucking awful in the most important ways, like when it comes to Olivia.

  Beckett and Amelia are together; we are all better for it. I have to say, Amelia fits right in with all of us, but especially Beckett. They just fit and it’s more than the attraction they have for each other and that shit is fucking scorching. They can hardly keep their hands off each other. It’s kind of sickening, but at the same time it’s gives me an odd sense of hope.

  That sense of hope has been fucking with me, especially when it comes to Olivia. She’s been friendly, but distant. I can practically see the walls that she’s building around herself, but only when it comes to me. With everyone else she’s been the way she always has been—open, warm and giving. With me she’s been kind, don’t get me wrong, but it’s only on the surface and feels like it’s just for appearances.

  Two days ago, during our regular Friday beer night, she even chatted with some dude at the bar. I watched the whole thing and it felt like a punch to the gut. I know I have no right to be, but it made me jealous as hell.

  Amelia must have seen my expression, a mixture of rage and hurt, because she gave me a sympathetic smile when she came around the table to stand next to me. We always stand at a high-top so people can move around at their leisure. It works for us, even if standing for hours isn’t always great. I guess we sit for most of the day, so no one ever complains.

  Amelia touched my arm and I almost hate to admit it, but it was soothing. She pitched her voice low, “You okay, Zeke?”

  I cleared my throat and turned toward her so I couldn’t see Liv flirting with the guy who I was already assuming was a huge asshole. “Yeah, Amelia. I’m fine.”

  Her eyebrows shot up, “Uh huh. The last time I said I was fine it was complete bullshit. I wasn’t fine, I was hurting.”

  I scowled, “I’m not hurting.”

  She gave my arm a little squeeze, “Okay. Maybe you’re not and I know it’s really not my business and we don’t know each other very well.” She looked at Beckett and a wistful smile played on her lips, “I do know that if you’re willing to let go of your past and get past the fear, amazing things can happen and you can find happiness.”

  I scoffed, “You don’t know anything about my past.”

  I watch a sadness cross Amelia’s face and I feel like shit for assuming things about her past. She gives a little shrug, “You’re right, I don’t.” She looks at Olivia and I have to fight the urge to turn around and do the same. Fuck. “I do know what pain, regret and shame look like though. I’ve spent the last four years living in my past. I’m not doing it anymore because I don’t owe my past any more time and I certainly don’t owe it my future.”

  I scrubbed a hand over my face, damn it, that sliced right through my soul. The difference is that I do owe my future to my past though; I owe it to that girl whose future I took.

  I deflected, “I just want her to be happy, just like everyone in our family.”

  Amelia’s eyes lit up when I called it our family; she’s gorgeous when that happens. Beckett’s a lucky guy. She rested her hand on mine and gave it a squeeze.

  I could see her eyes imploring me, “I know. That’s what we want for you too.” I gave a nod in understanding and she gave me a warm smile. “Just know, no matter what, if you ever want to talk, I’m here.” She narrowed her eyes, her voice firm. “We would never turn our backs on you. We will always be there for you. No matter what. That’s what families do, strong ones, ones held together by love.”

  Beckett came around and wrapped her in his arms and she let the subject change, but the supportive energy she left behind with her words continued to envelope me. It almost brought me to my knees. A huge part of me wanted to believe her and trust, but I know if anyone knew the truth that the support would disappear. Then, I’d be out in the cold. Again.

  Olivia didn’t go home with that guy; I don�
�t know what I would have done if she left with him. Not long after Beckett swept Amelia into his arms, Liv returned to the table with that fucking barbie doll expression she gets on her face that pisses me off. That’s the expression she uses when she wants to hide, or she wants people to think she’s less than she is. She’s so fucking smart, the vacant expression she puts on is a mask. It doesn’t fool me.

  Beckett and Amelia stuck around for another half hour or so, but then headed home. I wanted to slink away too, but I couldn’t help myself and asked Liv if she needed a ride. That had been our routine, but the last few weeks showed me that our routine was fucked. Liv told me she’d just grab an Uber home. Since the guy that was chatting her up had already left, I didn’t have a reason to stick around.

  When I got home, the loneliness was crushing. It felt worse than when I was living on the street for that year. Olivia was in my life, but it was like I had already lost her. She was avoiding me most days. We used to take our lunch breaks together, planning around our schedule; not anymore. She wasn’t hanging around the shop after her appointments were done for the day. I felt like I hadn’t seen in her in forever, even when I was looking right at her. It’s been torture.

  Yesterday morning, fuck, we were called to an all family meeting at the shop bright and early. I didn’t mind, I haven’t ever slept great and in the last two weeks my sleeping has officially gone to complete shit. Blake Higgins, owner of Higgins Security, was there waiting for us. I’d seen him around the shop, and I’ve tattooed Ryder, one of his guys.

  The sight of Blake made shit get serious, real fast. I trailed after Olivia to get a cup of coffee. I may have waited in my car until I saw Olivia pull up to make sure we walked in together. I didn’t even give a fuck if I looked like a puppy.

  When we were in the back room, I poured us both a cup of coffee and added the five sugars and splash of cream she liked in hers. When I handed her the cup, she had a shocked expression on her face. Gotta admit, that hurt.

  I couldn’t help myself and growled, “Fuck, Liv. I don’t know what’s been going on with you, but you shouldn’t be surprised that I know how you like your coffee.”

  Her eyes went round and innocent and I had to fight the urge to roll my eyes. “Of course, you do, I don’t know why it surprised me. How silly.” She let out a light laugh, but it wasn’t her real laugh. I’d heard her real laugh, full and throaty, enough times in two years to know the difference.

  I grunted, “Fine. Do you know what this is all about?”

  She shrugged, “No, but the big guy is Blake, right?” I nod, “I’ve seen him around the shop and know he works in security.” She nodded toward the door, “I guess there’s only one way to find out.” Her voice was light, but the way she was eyeing the door told me she couldn’t wait to get out of the room and away from me.

  Fucking ouch.

  I put my coffee cup down. Before I could stop myself, I reached out and grasped both of Olivia’s shoulders and turned her to face me. I stepped into her space and she craned her neck to look up at me. Her eyes were wide, at least this time it wasn’t contrived. I felt the corner of my mouth twitch and she tracked the movement with her eyes.

  Touching people isn’t something I do much outside of the requirements of the job. I knew that suddenly touching Olivia was out of character for me, but once my hands were on her, I never wanted to let her go.

  I searched her face, “Liv, we have to talk about whatever has been going on between us these last few weeks. I don’t like it.” I tightened my grip on her shoulders slightly, “I miss you, Olivia.”

  She took a deep shuddering breath and focused her gaze on my chest. She shook her head slowly and her voice came out a little shaky. “I’ve…” she cut herself off and gave her head a more forceful shake. “There’s nothing to talk about, everything’s been fine the last few weeks.”

  Unbidden, one of my hands slid along Olivia’s shoulder, up her neck and I buried my fingers in her hair at the base of her skull. Damn. Her hair is so fucking soft, and it looks like candy. I love it.

  My eyes roamed her face, “That’s bullshit and you know it, Liv.” She gasped and I pulled her a step closer, our bodies almost touching. “You’ve been avoiding me. You’ve been shutting me out.” Her eyes widened in something like fear and I didn’t like it. I gritted out, “I don’t like it, Liv.”

  Olivia’s eyes flashed in anger. She snapped, “I’ve been shutting you out? You mean the same way you’ve shut me out for the last two years?” Her words sliced right through me and I pulled my hands away from her. I missed the touch immediately. She sighed and I could see the hurt in her eyes once the anger bled away. “Look, Zeke, we’re friends. Nothing more, nothing less. You don’t owe me anything, but I don’t owe you anything either.”

  With that she turned and walked out of the room. I’m not sure how long I stood there staring at the doorway Olivia walked through, but I could feel in my gut that she took a piece of me with her. I wasn’t sure I wanted it back.

  Andrea walked in and headed straight for the coffee, but I didn’t care. I was still thinking about Olivia and the hurt look on her face.

  Andrea mumbled, “Mornin’.” When I didn’t respond she stood in front of me and studied my face. I forced my gaze to meet hers and I saw the moment her expression became pitying. “You okay, Zeke?”

  I grunted, “I’m fine.”

  Andrea rolled her eyes and mumbled, “Men are so fucking dense sometimes.” When my brows knitted together, she sighed. “Zeke, I realize I’ve only been here two weeks, but I know something is off. I’m not going to assume I know how things used to be or the history between you and Olivia, but I do recognize that you both are hurting.” She leaned toward me, “She thinks you don’t want her. She thinks she’s not good enough and not pretty enough. She thinks that you don’t feel the same way about her that she feels about you.”

  My eyebrows shot up to my hairline, “She told you that?”

  Andrea shook her head and gave me a sad smile. “No, she doesn’t have to. I recognize it because I’ve been there myself.” I started shaking my head, but she didn’t let me speak. “You don’t have to tell me anything, that’s not why I said something. If she’s distancing herself because she doesn’t want to hurt anymore then you can’t try and pull her back in. Not unless you’re ready to make it all the way right.”

  I closed my eyes and shook my head. Fucking hell. I knew Andrea was right, I could feel it. That doesn’t change that I need Olivia and don’t want to lose her. I felt Andrea’s hand wrap around my bicep and give a little squeeze.

  She whispered, “No one wants you to hurt either. You don’t have to let everyone in, but if you love her then you need to let her in.”

  When I finally opened my eyes, Andrea was gone. I could feel the regret and shame pushing against me. At least this time it wasn’t the regret and shame of that night. No, this was, surprisingly, worse. It was the pain and regret of hurting Olivia and not knowing if I’m strong enough to deal with my bullshit to be the person she deserves in her life.

  As if that day wasn’t heavy enough, once everyone settled into the reception area Blake dropped the bomb that Amelia was in danger from her shitbag ex. Then all eyes were on Amelia as she recounted how her ex was psychologically abusive and how it affected her mental state and self-confidence.

  My heart hurt for her because Amelia is a stunning woman who deserves to be told that every day. When my eyes drifted up to Beckett, standing behind Amelia with his hands on her shoulders, I could see the way he was helping her carry her painful past. In that moment, I was so grateful that she came into our lives and that she had Beckett to tell her everyday how beautiful she is. I realized that we, the rest of her family, had a responsibility there as well. One I was proud to have.

  When she straightened her spine, gathering courage, and told us about the night her ex hit her and then the subsequent non action of their college, rage filled me. I could feel the anger grow around me and
knew that we all wanted to track that fucker down immediately.

  In a moment of understanding, the conversation we had at the bar the night before made so much more sense. How she understood about pain, regret and shame. How she was letting her past stop her from moving forward and expecting the worst. I understood that, but I found myself envious of her determination to not let her past have any more of her future.

  It also made me understand why she was so insistent that families, strong ones bonded by love, wouldn’t turn their back on each other and wouldn’t hold someone’s past against them. She wasn’t just talking about me; she was talking about herself as well.

  Here she sat, in front of people she had only known for a few weeks and was putting all her pain on display and hoping for the best because she loved us and trusted us. I liked Amelia before, thought she was perfect for Beckett and us, but until that moment I didn’t realize how much she needed us too.

  From the time she started telling us about her past and until she brought us to the present, including how she came to work for Green Space, she hadn’t looked at us. Beckett was gauging our reactions and I hope he didn’t find us wanting. He needed us in that moment just as much as she did.

  Amelia looked up at Blake when he prompted her to talk about the newest development. Someone, who she suspects is her ex, started messaging her; threatening her really. My heart stopped when she focused on a point above all our heads and revealed that the last message included a picture of Amelia and Beckett at the bar the night before.

  A fury I didn’t understand and had never felt before filled me in that moment. Amelia’s ex was in town and he was watching her. He hurt her and it didn’t take much for me to assume that he wanted to hurt her again.